I have previously written about the changes that occurred in our lives with my husband’s illness and how that illness either directly or indirectly caused changes that affected us both.
I’m sure that most everyone will deal with both personal and lifestyle changes during a particular time of their lives or even all through it. When changes occur we have to make a decision as to whether we will accept the change and adapt to it or if we will reject the change and everything involved with it. Sometimes we have no choice in the matter. It is what it is!
After adapting to the many changes I faced during my husband’s illness and in the two years following his death, I realize now just how much those changes have affected me. I can see how I’ve changed and grown from that old me into the person I am today.
The person I am today is different….. not better than before or worse than before….. just different.
I am a little quieter; a little more apt to feel down/blue; sometimes choose to be alone instead of with others; I often feel sad; I am more apt to be late; and sometimes things just don’t seem quite as important to me as they once were.
Sometimes I feel cheated!
- cheated that my husband was afflicted with the horrible disease that eventually took his life.
- cheated that I don’t have him here to tell me about his luncheon with friends;
- cheated that I can’t tell him about a book that I’m reading.
- cheated that I don’t have him to kiss goodnight and snuggle with on a cold night.
- Cheated that I will have to grow old alone.
But on the other hand, I am thankful for so many things…..
- Thankful for the 40 years of love and happiness that we had.
- Thankful for our families.
- Thankful for my many friends.
- Thankful for my curious mind that keeps me busy and gives me purpose.
- Thankful for my relationship with GOD.
But let me get back to changes that occurred in our lives over the past few years:
- The illness that changed our lives so completely and gave me no choice but to learn and grow so that I could provide care to my husband.
- The deterioration of our social activities.
- Weighing all the options and making the hard decision when it came time to place him in an assisted living facility.
- Being alone in our house which no longer felt like home without him there.
- Knowing the time was coming when I would need to prepare to sell our house.
- Taking care of legal and financial matters without the benefit of his input.
- Losing the comfort and security of the life we previously enjoyed.
- Being alone and having feelings of being inadequate for the challenges I faced.
Al declined as the disease worsened. He was in pain a lot of the time but we could never determine what caused the pain. But he was happy! He never once asked to come home; he never begged me not to leave when it was time for me to come home; he liked the people who cared for him there and was respectful of them. He enjoyed the activities and especially the musical programs.
Most of all though, he was so happy to see me every day when I arrived. He would give me his sweet smile and most days, would give me a hug. We laughed and talked and ate the treats I took him every day. We walked, inside and outside, I pointed out flowers, vegetables in the raised gardens, and other things of interest in the yard. We sat on one of the benches and watched the birds and the people. He was content!
So when I tell you about the changes that occurred in our life and about how those changes affected both of us, I must also tell you that we shared many happy moments during those stressful times.
One thing that never changed was the love between Al and me. That never waivered. His sweet smile and warm hugs continued up until the last few days of his life when he was just too weak to hug me.
I kissed him goodbye when I left him the evening that was his last on this earth. I whispered goodbye, I touched his face and told him that I loved him. I think he knew that even death, the ultimate change, was not enough to destroy what we had together.
Care Giving - Risks & Rewards 