Even though it was two years ago that Al passed from this world into his heavenly home, I feel him close to me every day. I have a picture of the two of us on my night stand and I often say good night to him as I turn out the light and stretch out in bed, moving my foot over to touch him…….and then I realize that he’s not physically there with me.
So many things bring him close to me, a song that he liked, a song that we danced to, a food that he enjoyed, a drive in the country on Sunday. He enjoyed being with friends and was always there for anyone who needed help. He gave the handyman an extra $20 for a job, encouraged a struggling niece or nephew when they were in school or in a shaky relationship. He gave me so much support, telling me how smart I was, how I could do anything and everything, how pretty I looked, etc. As I’ve said before, he gave me encouragement, courage, strength and so many other things. And on top of all that, he loved me totally and welcomed my love and attention. I owe a lot to him.
I still feel like a caregiver! I treasure the time I spent with him during his illness and even though there were many days and nights when I felt alone, all used up and frustrated, I smile when I think of the moments when we would lie in bed and he would hold me and talk about plans for the future. I smile when I think about dancing in our kitchen and when I remember how he would sing along to the song, “I Love You” while holding my face between his hands. He loved the movie, “The Sand Pebbles” and never tired of hearing the theme song from that movie which was “And We Were Lovers”. After his illness, he would sometimes ask me to play the Matt Monro CD with that song on it when friends stopped by.
I miss being able to care for him. I often find myself looking up from something and expect to see his face in front of me. I pray that I did everything I could to make his life good and that I did everything I could to take care of him as he declined.
Now I find myself paying more attention to birthdays, anniversaries, deaths, and other events and I care about the feelings and health of the person celebrating or mourning the event. I feel like a caregiver…..I do care about others, about their successes and failures, about their families, about their mental health when dealing with stresses in their lives. I will offer my shoulder to cry on, my ears to listen, my time to console and I will be a friend.
I had a wonderful 38 years with someone that I loved and together we made a beautiful and full life, had a loving home and a colorful and fragrant flower garden. I learned so much from Al! I am a better person because of him.
I pray that God will lead me to make a positive difference in the lives of those around me and yes, that I will continue to be a caretaker when it comes to matters of the heart.
My posts from this time forward will tell you of my finding my way alone, without my husband. I don’t know what may be in store for me but I will embrace it fully and will lean on the strength and courage I gained during the time I was caring for Al.
Care Giving - Risks & Rewards 