The day was drawing near….that dreaded day when I would take my husband to an assisted care facility. I could hardly bear to think about what that would mean to both of us. I realized that our life together would be over. Things would never be the same!
When sitting at the breakfast table just the day before he had commented that he “felt like something bad was going to happen”. I don’t know why he thought that and could only think that either he had heard me on the phone with the Long Term Care Insurance Company or that, since we were so close, he had sensed my anxiety and concern. Either way I felt bad for him and I felt guilty that I was about to take such a step. However I also knew in my heart that I had no choice, things were just to unstable for me to continue home care.
On “moving” day he ate a good breakfast and was calm and sweet. I was sad and felt guilty; I had a difficult time keeping a smile on my face and forcing cheerful conversation. I hated to see the clock moving steadily toward the 1:00 PM appointment time. I had previously told him that I found a place where they might be able to help him with “finding the words” and he had agreed to go there with me for the appointment. Of course he didn’t know he would be staying there.
Then, when I told him it was time to go, he put on his coat and hat, walked through the entire house as if he were looking at it for the last time and then walked downstairs and into the garage with me. Then he said he had to go to the bathroom and walked back into the house. After going to the bathroom he went into our Garden Room and sat down in his favorite chair. He refused to move from there. I called the facility to tell them that I couldn’t get him to leave the house and we would be late for our appointment. They offered to come over to help me and I said no. I knew that having strangers come into our house and try to convince him to leave would be a scary and upsetting thing for him.
I called his sister. She came over and talked to him finally convincing him that he should go with me to the appointment and that his mother would be disappointed with him if he didn’t go. The mention of his mother was the motivator for him.
The staff at Artis was very nice and helpful and put him at ease with their friendliness. After a tour of the facility we visited the room that I had selected for him and where we had already taken some family pictures and personal items as well as clothes. After a while he looked at me and said, “I’m tired now. Let’s go home.”
Leaving him there, sitting on the edge of the bed with one of the Artis staff members talking with him, telling him how happy they were that he was going to spend some time with him and that they were going to try to help him, his sister and I left. We planned to go back at 5:00 and have dinner with him.
When we returned at 5:00, he was in the hall outside his room, wearing his coat and hat and was very angry at both his sister and me. The worst part was when he looked at me and said, “How could you do this to me?” I tried to convince him that they were going to try to help him but none of my words meant anything. He just got more and more angry until his sister told him that was enough and he quieted down as he stalked down the hall away from us. I didn’t know what to do…..should I follow him and continue trying to settle him down? I started walking down the hall, just a little ways behind him.
One of the Care Partners was standing at the end of the hall and I asked her what I should do. She said just leave him alone, go home…we’ll take good care of him. We left. It was awfully difficult to walk out that door as we watched him walking down that hall in his coat and hat, so alone. My heart shattered!
When I pulled into our driveway I realized that he would never be there with me again and I began to crumble inside. I walked into the house where we had lived for 30 years and it didn’t feel like home anymore. I was a stranger in my own house. I called my son and broke down, crying and talking with him for an hour. I think I was in shock and already questioned whether or not I had done the right thing by putting Al in a facility. Was I giving up too soon? Was I being selfish? What would I do without him?
I spent another hour on the phone with my sister, talking and crying. I missed his presence, I missed seeing him and like she told me, half of me was gone. That was true and I couldn’t help but wonder what would I do without that important part of me.
Knowing that I was alone was devastating; I just never thought I’d grow old alone! It hurts in so many ways to lose my sweetheart!
Care Giving - Risks & Rewards 