December 2017 was a difficult month for both of us with the upsetting Emergency Room visit and the events that followed later in the month. At this point we were taking a drive almost every night, some longer than others. These drives were attempts on my part to satisfy Al’s wanting to “go home”. I thought perhaps going out then arriving back at our house would make him feel like he was home. As I said in earlier posts, this tactic didn’t work but I could generally get him to go to bed when we returned.
Most of our drives were uneventful with my keeping up a steady stream of chatter and him being silent. There was one time though when he opened the car door as we were driving along. Fortunately we were on a residential street that had speed bumps so I was going slow but I can tell you that his actions frightened me and when I loudly exclaimed, it frightened him. I believe that he did not know what he had done or that it was dangerous.
Then one night in the middle of the month he refused to get out of the car when we returned home. It was late and no amount of my pleading convinced him to go into the house. Finally about 11:45 PM I called his sister and asked her to come over to see if she could help. When she arrived she, after a while, convinced him to go in but he had become very angry with me and refused to go in if I was there. So I stayed outside, hiding behind the car until he went inside.
Once inside he sat down, still wearing his coat and hat. He would not speak to anyone except his sister but at one point, his anger switched back from me to her and he would no longer talk to her. Finally around 2 AM they left but he continued to sit in his coat and hat, not speaking, all night long. Around 7 AM I told him that he could go to bed since I would not be in there and he did. He slept till mid afternoon and when he woke he didn’t seem to remember anything about the difficult night we had.
After that night I knew that things had gotten to the point that I could no longer take care of him and frankly, at that time I was beginning to have some concern for my safety. Since he frequently “saw” people in the house and would tell me that they were trying to kill us, I feared that he might hurt me thinking he was protecting me. I hid all the knives and sharp objects.
It was cold, 26 degrees, with strong winds and snow flurries on Christmas Eve when we went out at 11:00 PM for a ride. When we returned home he wouldn’t get out of the car and since there wasn’t room on the passenger side to exit the car once it was in the garage I had to stay outside in the driveway. After 15 minutes or so I convinced him to get out. He went into the garage and I pulled the car in. He stood there, tall enough to look out the small windows in the garage door and wouldn’t say anything.
Fortunately the garage was heated but it was only about 40 degrees and soon felt chilly. I tried and tried to get him to come into the house. I couldn’t go in and leave him there as I was afraid he would open the garage door and go outside. I felt so helpless and alone, there was no one to call, no one to help me and no way for me to help him. I broke down! I begin to sob and put my head down on the trunk of my car, letting all my frustrations and fears come out.
My tears seemed to open something in him and he said, “What’s wrong?”
I replied that I didn’t know what to do and asked him again if he would come into the house with me. He did. When we went to bed that night he held me close and I knew that he was sorry I was upset. I cried silent tears again that night.
I had previously wondered how I could ever put him in a care facility and now I realized that I had no choice. I had reached my breaking point.
After the incident in the middle of the month I had talked with our primary care doctor and he told me that it was time….that I needed to look for a facility. Al’s sister told me the same thing. Even thought I didn’t want to do it, I accepted that I needed to look at places.
As I’ve mentioned earlier I quickly found a lovely place and made arrangements. I changed my mind two times in the next couple of days but I knew in my heart I had no choice but to move forward. We had a move date for December 28, 2017.
My heart was breaking!
Care Giving - Risks & Rewards 