One day in 2017, when I stood at the sink, doing dishes and looking out at the beauty of a summer day, I realized that I was not the same person I had been. That thought saddened me and added to the feelings of loneliness and despair that had become my constant partners.
I have always experienced JOY when surrounded by the sunshine, flowers and the smell of freshly cut grass. I felt JOYFUL when we sat in our gazebo late in the day, hearing the sweet birdsong that accompanied the otherwise quiet of the evening. But that day, standing at the sink, I did not feel any joy and, in fact, I felt no emotion except that of being lost and not knowing who I was anymore.
I have always had a lot of interests, reading, golfing, writing, crafting and working at my computer. I loved to take care of my garden and I really liked to bake. I was a social person and involved with different groups in pursuing various interests. Al and I went out a lot and enjoyed being with friends for dinner, cards, or golfing. We also enjoyed each other and had some wonderful conversations.
But that day I felt the loss of the person I had been. My shrinking world now primarily consisted of our house. We had gotten to the point that most of our time was spent indoors even on beautiful summer and fall days. I missed contact with others. Visitors made him uncomfortable so I discouraged visits from everyone except his sister and her family. He wanted me with him all the time and didn’t like for me to talk on the phone for any length of time so I discouraged friends from calling.
As I stood looking out the window that morning I realized how small and secluded my world had become and I also knew that I had lost my contact with the outside world. I felt like we were isolated and totally out of touch. It was not a good feeling!
I felt the loss of my former self and I wondered…..is this all there is? How do I find my joy and zest for life again? How can I be a good wife and a good caregiver when I can’t even find myself? It was a frightening moment for me…..how could I function normally when I didn’t even know who I was anymore? I felt empty….all used up!
Even though it had taken me quite a long time to realize that I was a caregiver and a while to adjust to my shrinking world, it was a shock to realize how it was affecting me. My husband had always been my rock, my champion, my encourager, the one who made everything all right in our life. And now he was no longer capable of doing those things and, since we had no children, I was alone in making decisions and in caring for him, our home, and financial obligations. I wondered….where did caring for myself fit in?
All my original fears and doubts about my ability to take care of him and of the tasks associated with our life resurfaced. And now I also had a new worry…..how could I find myself again? How could I find my way back into a normal world?
Although it is normal for a caregiver to feel sad, frustrated, angry, lost and lonely, it is also important to remind yourself that these feelings are normal and that it is OK for you to experience them. But also keep in mind that you MUST FIND TIME TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF SO YOU DON’T GET LOST in your shrinking world.
Care Giving - Risks & Rewards 