Whether your loved one is in the initial stages of a disease or has been fighting it for a while, and regardless of how hopeless things may seem at times, there are always some bright spots along the way.
Here is my Caregiver’s Rule #4:
Look for, find, and savor the good moments!
Although you may feel like those moments are few and far between, believe me when I say they are there….sometimes you just have to look read hard to find them.
Here’s an example of a good moment I found during Al’s illness:
I couldn’t leave him alone at home while I ran out for an errand so he ended up going with me every time I left the house.
One day in the fall of 2016 we had driven to the post office and when we returned, I stopped in the driveway and told him to get out and I would pull the car into the garage. He just sat there smiling at me.
I kept asking him to get out and finally, after several minutes, I got out and went around to the passenger side. I asked him again, and when nothing happened, I tried to lift his legs to help him get out. I was beginning to get frustrated and wasn’t sure how I was going to handle this challenge. He was much too big for me to manually get him out of the car. Then he got out!
I was so glad that the problem was solved. I walked back around the car to the driver’s side and got in only to see that he had gotten back in the car! Hanging my head in disbelief and beating my fists on the steering wheel in total frustration, I again asked him to get out so I could pull the car into the garage. Nothing!
This went on for several minutes and finally, losing my patience, I got out and walked back around to his side. I pleaded with him but to no avail. Then, completely losing my patience I raised my voice and said, “GET OUT OF THE CAR”! He got out and walked into the garage as if nothing unusual had happened.
We went into the house, had a quiet afternoon and then had dinner. That evening, as I was getting him settled in bed, he looked up at me with the sweetest, most angelic smile on his face and said, “I like you so much better than that other girl”.
I realized he was talking about ‘that other girl’ who had yelled at him. I had to laugh at that and the guilt I had been feeling for yelling at him suddenly went away.
After I thought about the events of the afternoon and evening, I began to see the humor and I laughed at my walking around the car twice, and even about my yelling at him. I realized that ‘that girl’ and the one tucking him into bed were, in his eyes, very very different people.
I also realized that I had found some humor in our otherwise routine afternoon and I vowed to seek out those moments from now on.
Many months later, when he was living in a Memory Care facility, I related this incident to the Support Group one evening. Everyone got a big laugh out of the story and the leader has since told me that she has related it to other support groups and everyone loves it.
So despite all the aggravation, frustration, irritation, and guilt feelings that moments like the above can evoke, the humor is there somewhere, seek it out and treasure those moments.
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Care Giving - Risks & Rewards 