Where Are The Tears?

There are plenty of reasons for tears in my life today…..sadness and yes, even anger at the changes that are affecting someone I love; frustration with my inability to help him; fear that I can’t do this, that I am not strong enough, wise enough or brave enough to handle the responsibility placed on me as a caregiver.

Even though I can see the changes in him and in our daily life, I feel there is still a level of denial that exists for me along with the hope that something…anything…will help him and make it all better.

I am concerned because, even with the sadness, anger, frustration and fears, there haven’t been any tears for me yet. I haven’t cried!

Another worrisome thing that I’ve noticed is that I am changing. I am not the same person I was before my husband’s illness and not the same person that found joy in so many things and laughed a lot.

Oh yes, I still find joy in life and I laugh but I am quieter, more thoughtful, more watchful, and more serious. I am conscious of this happening to me and I try to guard against it. I don’t want to lose me….the person that I am!

So, where are my tears? I guess it’s just not time for them yet but I can feel them getting closer and closer. One day soon I’ll find a moment of solitude and let the sadness, anger, frustration and fear pour out of me.

Thank God for the family and for the friends who listen and encourage; who give me strength when I am running downhill and who show me love. I know that regardless of the changes in my husband, in me, and in our life, they are all there for us.